Saturday, August 6, 2011

Lost

Once upon a time I was an outgoing could care less what you think type person!
Then I married Nick, who is kinda to himself, shy and just not an outgoing person.
Her rubbed off on me, instead of me rubbing off on him.
I now keep to myself, have a hard time making friends and all around not the same person.
The friends I had having taken a step back, OR I have. I kind of secluded myself during my last pregnancy, and I still am. I think 3 kids not only scares me but scares others around me.  I separated myself from friends, I wasnt giving my friendship, Im still not, and just isolated myself.

Nick and I sat and talked and talked and talked recently. It was a wonderful time of laughing and tears. Lots of emotions. It was long overdue, as I have been holding so much in. Since giving birth to the last one I was battling the baby blues, I was put on the pill, as to not make any babies right now, and that made it SOOO much worse, I was crying day in and day out feeling extremely alone and just miserable. I stopped taking said pill, and I feel OH SO much better. Im not crying so much. I regret not sharing this with others and dealing with it alone. Nick didnt even know, he just thought I was tired.

So I have made a pack with myself, Im putting myself out there. I will get to know more Christian women. I have signed up for a ladies Bible Study, MOPS, and we attend a Young Marrieds service at our church. I have been making new friends there, and I can not wait for those friendships to grow stronger! I want to re-get to know old friends, and just all around be surrounded by Jesus FREAKS! HEHEHE

I think part of my isolating myself was because I wasnt 'known' for anything, I have friends who are known for their AMAZING voice, for their talents in sewing, for their teaching skills, for their baking skills, and I FELT that I had nothing, one reason I think I started loving nail polishes so much.

BUT WHY?
I want to be known for loving Jesus, for raising my kids to love Him, To be known for loving my husband, for being a homemaker and a wife, OH and a mommy (for being patient!)! Those are my goals, and Im gonna take it one step at a time! Tackling it all at once, and I think I would fail! My kids are still very young, and rest is important as well!

PS and in the friendships I make, Im praying that their husbands, and my hubby get along, because I want my hubster to have friends as well!

22 comments:

  1. Wow!! That's funny :) This must be the season to step out :) I still think you're totally awesome, no matter how hard you try to hide and pull away from people, your personality and your love for Jesus, your husband, and children just shines through!!

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    1. Now that you have gotton to know me more.... do you think Im still, totally awesome? haha Thank you friend!

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  2. What I appreciate about you Tess is your honesty. You're not rude, you're not fake and you're always Willing to be available even when you're feeling overloaded.
    I'm glad you're feeling better! :)

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    1. :o) Thank you my friend, I appreciate you, more than I tell you!

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  3. Tess i think you are one brave women to put that out there, and would LOVE the opportunity to get to know you better....

    I can relate with you on so many levels, as i was reading your post i was so thinking about myself...

    Glad you stopped taking the pills that weren't doing any good for YOU...

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  4. I have the same feelings! I fell like every one around me has these great friends that are there for them and have these great relationships and therese just medioichar me ... Kinda feels like friend limbo.... if that makes any sense??? lol I think you are a great friend! and I would love to be better friends with you! I can tell you I love jesus and being a mommy! lol

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    1. oh how this part of life goes round and round! Now your on baby #3

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  5. Glad we are friends... We seem to have a lot in common. Thx for putting yourself out there..

    I too can't be on hormones- I go CRAZY! Hence the vasectomy... Lol.

    Hope things get better- and good job getting yourself involved. Just be you.. You are very unique in your honest portrayal of motherhood/life, and that alone is praiseworthy!

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    1. Your to much, I think your great Christine!!!

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  6. It's always nice to hear that there are other people are going through the same type of things I am, but I'm sorry you are! I went on birth control for a few months and was feeling the same thing. I would just get so overwhelmed with everything and cried all the time. I finally realized that the medicine was the problem and went off it. I feel so much better being off it like I am myself again. And I am the same about putting myself out there. Yesterday I forced myself to go to a mommy group. I am so nervous to meet new people, but it ended up being great. I have no advice, but I get your feelings (except I only have the one baby, so I'm sure it's not as much to deal with like you have). Anyway, I will be thinking and praying for you. :)

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  7. Tess, I know I'm just an old grandma, :) but I was drawn to you when I met you at the women's retreat. You have a genuineness about you that I admire. That third child is a big adjustment, I remember it well. I've enjoyed spending time with Emersyn, she's a sweetie. You're a great mom. I don't know your situation with moms to watch your kids, but if you need me to watch your kids so you can go to coffee with a friend, I'm available. I'll be praying for you.

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    1. THANKS BEV! I think Grandmas are great!

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  8. I know that we are not super close but I enjoy your the times we have spent together :) I understand the baby blues, I had it really bad after Jonathan and a touch on postpartum. If you need to talk call me anytime. It really sucks to be in state of mind.

    Also I'm not scared of you and your group of three ;) bring it on. I will even help :) If you ever want to get out with us please do, I will have no problem holding, or chasing someone.

    Hang in there with time it will get easier. You will make it through these hard time like you did when you just had two kids.

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    1. Hehehe, thank you Jen, your so nice! Your words brought a smile to my face!

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  9. Tess, I too love your honesty. Many of have had the same crazy hormone feelings and it is okay to retreat into your safe little cave every now and then. Glad you are coming out and re-connecting. Love hanging out with you and your girls. And yes, you are special! When I think of you, I think of how loving and calm you are with your girls, even having a 3ring circus ;). You may others talents of cooking, baking, etc., but I always admire your flawless makeup and adorable hair styles.

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  10. Awww... your post made me smile. Not because of all the trials but because of all you want to be known for a Jesus Freak!! LOVE IT!! I too have felt the same way every since I was pego with Jayden. Even at this church I'm very involved in I still have a hard time connecting with other women. I feel that's just how I am these days. I'm praying for change. Oh and 3 does not scare me. I want more if it's in God's will. ;)
    Brandi

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  11. Thank you so much for sharing such an honest part of yourself. You do have something though you are a MOMMA to three girls! To them you are the most important person in the world. I also had the baby blues and for a while did not know what was wrong with me. Its so refreshing to hear other woman talk about it as well

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